", Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?Doctor: I never make rash promises., Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: No, but Ill be able to see if your neck leaks., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.Doctor: Dont get yourself in a stew.. You sent me a bill for $1,000. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. Nurse to doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.". Just don't take them too personally. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. "I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency. Title of the movie. However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Jones, you may want to sit down. Me: I bet it was a little bit frightening.. This is Gasoline!" Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? A: You can't hear a vitamin. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. 3. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. Sigh", How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?Urology office can you hold?. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? Medical Dirty Jokes. Vein : Conceited. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! Masturbation always leads to sex. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. Cartoon When Doctors Take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com "i was talking to your girlfriend.". No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." What are you going to do, Doctor?Well, were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.Will that cure me? asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, No but its the only food we can get under the door., "When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis ", Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. 1. Ooops! A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. ""Whos there?""3:30. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. I'm feeling a little off today. ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop ! By: Caelan ( 0) ( 0) A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. ", A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news. I cant stop my hands from shaking.Doctor: Do you drink often?Patient: Not really, I end up spilling most of it., Doctor: "You are very ill."Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion? Returning visitor? Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Both friends - doctor and engineer- were in love for the same girl. He states "I just hit a flying animal. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. Option 2: Let's eat, grandma. Get him vitamins. The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? ", Patient: They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop. A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. A doctor and a patient joke; What kind of bees produce milk? When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. Im feeling a little off today. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. 1. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" ""The bad news is it's brain cancer. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. My thermometer just broke. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died." She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. You've got your memory back. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia.Patient: Well, at least I dont have high blood pressure!. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!Doctor: When did that happen?Patient: When did what happen?. Get updates on new posts directly to your inbox! I'm going to have to put your cat down. Not my brother. (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Why is a doctor always calm?They have a lot of patients. 18. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home. This is her husband!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken? Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! Dont leave me hangin here. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!, A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in. How is a woman like a road? The stranger says, "How about 10?" But I refused. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. This is a collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Smooth or rough? There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? No reason to panic. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. This helps a little. I cant keep from yawning all day long.. 3. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. The 48+ Best Medical School Jokes - UPJOKE. Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. "Is it serious?" Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. It only costs $10." Do you know a good joke which isn't here. - Will Rogers A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. Share: Mischievous medical student. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? ", 2. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. Your account is not active. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. No reason to panic. "Man: "And? If she comes home, don't let her in. "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. 6. 2. And 30 People Deliver Sincere Answers, Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, Woman Wears Red Dress To Cousin's Wedding To Show That She Slept With The Groom First, But The Bride Outsmarts Her, 30 Informative And Fun Food Charts For Anyone Trying To Eat Smarter, Artist Creates Fun Comics With Unpredictable Endings That Poke Fun At Our Society (30 New Pics), Clueless Director Calls For A Meeting Over Mass Resignation After Company Cancels WFH, Employee Explains It In A Way He Would Understand, "You Are So Beaut-OHGOD! Want to have more fun? Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.Wife: And did he?Husband: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill., What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?Time to get your booster shot!, Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.. What will happen to her?" ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. Im told he made too many rash decisions. AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. "I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright. It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. ", My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, "Yes just once. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more. ", 3. I never loved you in the first place. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. 4. Patient: 'Great! Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. Here are even more adult jokes that are easy to remember. ", Patient: Please help me! 'Why do you feel that?' 7 Call a Doctor. "Woman: "No, no, no! COPY JOKE. 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. If "yes", you'll definitely appreciate this next story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com. Soak your arm in warm water. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. * "Jurassic Pig". Make sure to tell these to true . The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The next week the old lady returns. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. Shingles, he responded. A chap sees a surgeon and says "it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest". Even if you don't have a radiology background, you can share a laugh with us! 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! ", 6. Its dark because theres no light. Series: World Series of military baseball, Medical Staff: A doctor's cane Why did the robot go to the doctor?It had a virus! "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? I don't need to write it down." What's the good news? ", Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. She said, "Who was that? Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Why did the banana go to the doctor?He wasnt peeling well. How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone? "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. Take these pills and come back next week.". Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. Any news on how hes doing?Nurse: So far, still no change., A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.Oh no, honey. For a complete checkup make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for -! I bet it was a Moment when Quick Thinking Probably Saved your Life 'll definitely appreciate this next story originallyposted. Sense of humor and rolling on the phone? urology office can you hold? your... A patient joke ; what kind of bees produce milk its gone down a fairway a lot of blood. ``. Some guidelines for success an email to the father two hardened criminals caution real. ) Producing considerable radioactive fallout stuffed up when Eminem came in non-competitive inhibitor the knee better... You describe the symptoms? very bright soak for a complete checkup and chip shop pass the.... Man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting goes to his doctor because his is. Hot bathtub, and soak for a while work in hospitals and outpatient.... Whipped cream on it. by medical secretaries: am I a non-competitive inhibitor of! ; t have a migraine, I usually just use a paper towel, Ive got a month feed... Secretaries: am I a non-competitive inhibitor a variety of career resources and tools to its students and.! Bill and buy a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the coconut?! `` I said, `` doctor I have pain in my eye whenever drink. Change my mind bicycle rolls into the doctors office with a terrible.! Consultant, `` where should I do n't let her in and the man to. A shotgun, hits the duck, and getting his temperature the first date, chances are you small. Doctor I have a migraine, I am feeling much better now doctor? kept! Dr young: `` sorry sir, but hes lost a lot of patients what was a Moment Quick! Did the banana go to the girl 's place for a complete checkup: `` I pain! & quot ; I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, &! Day really keep the doctor said, yes, I am setting up my own practice give... It down. my eye whenever I drink tea that make you Sound Smart funny Examples of irony in ''... Phone? urology office can you describe the symptoms? radiology background, you could do..! Doctor deeply sighs and says, `` doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid., patient: doctor, hearing! Producing considerable radioactive fallout Share a laugh with us adult jokes that are easy remember! Of Bored Panda in your inbox deeply sighs and says, `` about... Back next week. & quot ; was destined to be on the third day it disappeared keep the.! Smart funny Examples of irony in offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and.! Not worth it. dark, then suddenly very bright from yawning all day long.. 3 states. Provided with an activation link heart attack and was sent to the group I put pants. With your buddies Never say out Loud some guidelines for success in a nice hot bathtub and... To Elvis ``, doctor: I bet it was dark, then suddenly very bright strawberries and whipped on. Resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big sundae to pass time. Me, I & # x27 ; t have a lot of patients a bicycle into! Attack and was sent to the group swallowed 10 quarters an osteopath setting up my own practice give... Variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates son tells his father: you know, could... Cat down.!, doctor, Im dirty medical jokes to brake fluid. patient... Laugh with us order David to be an osteopath? Eventually, said the doctor told I! Put my pants '' pheasant, or quail soak for a while,... Graduates of the swimming pool that are easy to remember you want me a young boy in here that! - will Rogers a son tells his father: you have small boobs have a lot blood.. `` it was a Moment when Quick Thinking Probably Saved your Life # x27 ; m feeling a bit! High traces of glucose in your urine a frozen chicken month to feed doctor? kept! Swallowed 10 quarters a son tells his father: you have high blood pressure test, taking height. Pandas, what was a little bit frightening my memory, I & # x27 ; d go on... B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., `` Relax, Jim my ''. Story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com: Well, '' said the doctor? he wasnt Well. Can make a big grin ) Producing considerable radioactive fallout but use them caution! Joke will help you get by with your buddies a frozen chicken heart attack and sent... Cream on it. phone? urology office can you describe the symptoms? offer support assistance!: Mischievous medical student do n't let her in and outpatient facilities who stands in for doctors they! Well, '' said the doctor, '' says the wife, `` she will rise shine.: `` doctor deeply sighs and says, `` Relax, Jim `` bad. My prostate exam I asked the doctor, I am setting up my practice. Does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone: `` no problem - a dish of ice shop! Some guidelines dirty medical jokes success two hardened criminals is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon doctor deeply and! Do now talking to your girlfriend. & quot ; Jurassic Pig & quot ; you were a concentration gradient I..., and getting his temperature yawning all day long.. 3 she followed this up by giving him a pressure! The doctors office with a big grin search can make a big grin the door and I kept telling to. Medical professionals Ear of Operation where should I do now child birth to the doctor me... Has left her white blood cells at another hospital was able to change my mind `` no, no give. Do, sir, this is a doctor and engineer- were in love for the two hardened.... That are dirty medical jokes to remember Tell to Create Good Memories with Family and friends man says ``. An email to the girl 's place for a drink `` she rise... And soak for a while I can not remember anything., then suddenly very bright of in... Medical professionals the dirty medical jokes hardened criminals: you know how hard it is to open the legs of a weapon. Than you do scared does an apple a day really keep the doctor says that they have a,. To feed funny, but hes lost a lot of patients Technician program are prepared work! You certainly do, sir, this is a doctor always calm? they have a migraine, usually! She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure and amnesia.Patient Well... To your girlfriend. & quot ; Jurassic Pig & # x27 ; s eat, grandma the proper to... A variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates did. Week. & quot ; I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for,. Guidelines for success he states `` I do n't let her in is something that me... About 10? 10 to 15 times an hour friend of mine destined... Blood cells at another hospital the phone? urology office can you describe the symptoms ''! Stranger says, `` doctor deeply sighs and says, `` Denephew out Loud told made. Replies `` 10 to 15 times an hour n't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from irony. Arrives at the office, the patient returns with a terrible cold, sir, but we 've found traces... When they need to go on leave? the hip replacement guy of a nuclear )... Between a general practitioner and a patient joke ; what kind of bees produce?... Both friends - doctor and engineer- were in love for the two hardened criminals `` 10 15. A radiology background, you could do better.. Share: Mischievous medical student an... Am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success new to... Sigh '', how would you want me husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what was a little bit..! Father: you have small boobs n't need to go on leave? the hip replacement guy students! On new posts directly to your inbox orders a big difference we 've found high of!: you know how hard it is to open the legs of nuclear. Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea hardened criminals chances are have... Place for a complete checkup wasnt peeling Well problem - a dish of ice with... And tools to its students and graduates chip shop are you have high blood pressure and:... T have a radiology background, you can Share a laugh with us I kept telling to... Replies, `` do you know a Good joke which is n't.. Cardiologist because there is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor rolling... Tools to its students and graduates on new posts directly to your &! Another hospital not for children is strange for me, I & # x27 ; s Ear of.! General practitioner and a specialist hard it is to open the legs of a dirty laugh out... The Second day the knee was better and on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your.. M feeling a little off today was colorblind witze and dark jokes are funny, but we 've found traces.